Boy is it hot inside

As I contemplated what I had written last time it became completely obvious, perhaps for the first time, how much anger and rage I have left stored and ignored over my Dad and his actions. Its the worst type of anger, because is roils and simmers just under the surface, always ready to ignite and empower a crux of destruction to myself and those around me. The last thing I want to have take place is for these issues to spill over onto others in a harmful way either physically or emotionally, but as Homer, not the Greek poet, but the Simpson says, "Usually I'm the one who takes it too far!" It is that quote that scares me more than anything.

A good friend and relative reminded me of a story that really reveals the duality and apathy my father modeled for me both as a parent and as a human. My Father Lou, appealed to him (as well as my mother, was worse than my Dad by far) to step in and take care of me, as I always had grown up living with my mother in some shape or form. His pleas were always denied by my Dad as Lou explained the desperate conditions in which I was being cared for, but the response he gave Lou was that he was "too busy" with his other family to take on the burden of me.

When my Father pressed forward and asked him, isn't Chuck your family too, he refused to answer the question. Yet several times he would tell me how he wished he could take me to live with him, but my mother would always threaten to take him to court for back child support, something that I was told they had both conveniently agreed not to have him pay. It's the kind of story and excuse that only high school kids will believe because they still want to believe, and that's exactly what I did.

Yet the anger over this could easily have been quelled or healed with the truth or honesty at any time, but that was never to be the case with either parent. Their reasons were both taken with them in fiery ends after lives of bitter lies and deceitful injury to others.

As late as 2007, after years of silence and therapy, I confronted my Dad on many of the issues that separated us, and on this issue of child support and supporting me, he again came up with fantastic lies that were just ridiculous and libelous to both the living and dead, all for the purpose of not owning up to his own actions or accepting accountability. This time is was different though, because now I was a parent, and I wanted to give my children a chance to know him and make a decision for themselves what kind of person he was.

So, I pushed the last of my feelings aside, and felt the fire inside begin to simmer and roil.